today was rather dry. woke up by numerous sms-es and my loud 'sexyback' message alert tone just kept ringing and ringing. and all these was worsened when there were abdominal pains from a possible diarrhoea.
i had to wake up and get the shit out of me.
i think the diarrhoea had been triggered by the cold weather. already i did not on the fan last night. still, the cold winds blow like a catergory 5 hurricane on the saffir-simpson scale. i wriggled under the blanket, still, there lack a warmth which i didnt derive from him that night. the indifferent and unsettling attitude he gave reminds me of the many failed relationships, of which i hate and will still continue to live in the shadows of the very yesterdays; i wished he had been happy or make me feel loved before we put down the phone.
why the blackout? you could have been happier.
i'm sorry that i'm overly contumacious, but i was merely intent on making you laugh. maybe you did in the very end, but i was certain that you could laugh louder. & a pity i failed in doing so; & what becomes of my mission in life?
still bothered.
headed down to SP and ate in foodcourt 6. the usual japanese food. and i'm sick of it. had a chat with tadmidzie when we saw him. and a couple of minutes later, yixian was released from her class. went to dhoby ghaut for our purpose.
visited Daiso since the day was young. roamed around and i didnt get my cheap bag and pencil stand. still i brought back 2 cans of yummy tuna and a compact mirror measuring approximately 10 by 8 centimetres.
i hate going home alone. why alone when i am supposed to have a companion? but i'm gonna tolerate all these till boyfriend comes out of the army. two years seems a long wait, but if u think deeper, it's relatively short to the amount of time i'm willing to spend with him for the rest of my lifetime. what he thinks i really have no idea, but i just want to be true to myself and devote everything i can for him. whether he appreciates is another issue. of course the hopes are hanging high, but if it falters, it'll be just another romantic tragedy in my biography. and if that really happens, what will i do?
and i thought alot about my life. it really appears wretched to me. my innate preference would of course, be one that is sanguine. but to be pragmatic, my life is littered with boulders and obstructed with 10000 Himalayas on the way, which untimately end up in The Great Canyon where i've got plenty of place to hide and cower in self pity and tear, enough to fill the canyon with rivers again.
and i thought, if i were to fail my A's, where would i go? be a lowly paid civil servant? carry on learning music so i could be a pricate tutor? get my relatives to sponsor me overseas to pursue a degree just like many of my friends? or just work as a salesperson for the rest of my life?
the most favourable of my options would be the overseas degree. but i have loads of concern. i would miss my family. i would miss my friends. and how do i keep boyfriend? do i breakoff with him? or do i let it stay that way? would i be able to accept if he can't stand the loneliness and hooks up with another or would he just walk out of my life? the many uncertainties left me tearing.
thereafter, when i reached my stop in woodlands, i held back my tears, and went to take the bus.
& i actually forgot i need a ten year series for my h1 math.
i was very disturbed with myself going nowhere. i think i'm not bright enough to even scrape through my vocation. Jaycee was a very wrong choice, and to repeat it was an unforgivable mistake. i wonder if my boy would still love me with such limited intelligence and poor discipline. without a rule in my life, even i myself discredit my crooked doings and juvenile conduct.
& what's most disgraceful and reprehensible is the fact that i am not helping myself. still wasting time blogging and going out.
but understand that i need an avenue to voice my thoughts out when friends aren't enough to listen my heavy grunts. and the weight which is weighing me down is enough to tear me apart anytime soon. what is holding the flesh together probably is a larger force given by your limited support and latent hopes that there's a silver lining to everything.
the talk with boyfriend today saved me. telling him i cried, and he gave me hope. what i really need now aren't dressing downs but safe lies that you betray yourself to make me feel good. maybe if you're a friend you would. and as a worthy boyfriend he did. i think he knows i couldnt make it. there are some things that are better left unsaid & some things that you're reluctant to say you must.
i'm pulling myself together so dont cut the strings yet. and baby, you really know how to say all the things i want to hear
ineverwanttowalkalone, sopleasedontleaveandgoaway.
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