sore ire

this taught me a really good lesson.
and sorry honey for not seeking your approval. forgive me. if you're gonna be angry, understand my rationale for doing this. i'm teaching the mass, for the benefit of all possible victims out there who may succumb to curiosity and experience the same bristle i've come across:


DO NOT EVER TOUCH YOUR BOYFRIEND'S COMPUTER. BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT YOU'LL FIND


dont' talk to me about "woah, u mind means u jealous ah?"

or "you dont trust your boyfriend meh?"

or even, "everybody got past mah, forget it loh!"

i chanced upon a couple of pictures, a few of them. i think i'm a normal homo sapien, because i was utterly infuriated. the INDIGNATION just escalated even faster than the speed of lightning i swear. in this circumstance, i refuse to differentiate myself as another 'special' or a 'supergirlfriend' who can understand the fact that everyone has a past. i personally am the culprit, i do not deny i am guilty of it because hon ren's picture is still hanging big and tall in my overtaken room (by my idiotic brother), but i couldnt help it but look at it, rummage through folders of her and him, intimately, like pictures below... and seconds pass by, then it was minutes, and when i first saw the chumminess between them, it wasnt anger that swept past me, it wasnt disgust but irateness. the congenial environment i was previously in dissipated into nothingness. i stared at the monitor, pretending not to be affected. i kept telling myself , " Peiru ! you're much prettier! u're way slimmer! you can fit into a bikini without the big belly sticking out with a bit of visual trickery knowledge! you're smart! you can play the piano! you are lovable ! you are sexier! you have everything she dont have! you have ruixing N SHE DONT HAVE! "

but it all didnt work.

and ruixing was behind me, asking diligently" are you okay? are you affected?". i looked again at the screen. i blanked out. the images were slowly, sluggishly being blurred. and with half opened eyes, i told a lie, " i ? no! " and i blatantly lied that i wasnt affected. but he didnt seem to see that my LIE WAS BLATANT u see, and a teardrop, struggled out of my eye. being out of the well, the well waters found liberty and happily, one by one, they found their way out. i lost control of these moleculely creatures, and from tearing, it became an outpour.

girls, u like to see your boyfriend like this?

i am petty yee swee hin. what can you do about it? kill me larh ! i AM UTTERLY DISGUSTED.

and what would disappoint me most was when he knew what was the prime reasons that made me tear, he did say sorry. but does it solve the root of the problem? NO! IT DOES NOT! so what would common sense tell you what exactly to do ? wanna do some guessing?

and what was most crucial to me he did not perform it. i bet if u are clever enough you'd know right! either he pretends he cant do anything about it or he just wanna keep these things for rememberance. fine, if that's the case, i 'd have nothing to say.

after so much ranting, i still do not feel good. WHY? because the root of the problem is not solved, and i'm not talking about just the pictures i've seen. it's alot more to that honey. so much more. if u can accept the pictures in my room i hand it to you. to me, it has another significance you, being a guy, with a different genetical makeup, with a different set of perspective, will never understand. unless you are a woman.

and the more i see her face the more discounted i feel. i do not believe in polygamy. even if u argue that it's not exactly polygamy, but the feeling that it gives to another is the same. almost identical.

if you're my sister, come console me. because the person whom i should have trusted most, is unable to give me that kind of assurance anymore as far as this is concerned.

make me laugh again.

genuinely.